God Damn The Garden
God Damn the Garden challenges you to face the trial of Skeleton Bastard, which tests whether or not you’re worthy of becoming the next king of Battle Heaven. Sounds pretty cool, right?
The problem begins almost immediately when the game doesn’t, even passively, give you a hint as to what to do. In your left hand is a heart with a “100” on it, and in your right is a gun with the same number. The heart is your health, and the gun is your… gun. What the game doesn’t tell you is that red plants replenish health to 100, and yellow plants replenish your ammo to who knows what, but you have to shoot them both. There are checkpoints, which you’ll find by accident, enemies that will kill you before you even see them, and characters that tell you that you can kill them but don’t seem like their deaths would matter.
In short, this game is a mess. The graphics look PS1/N64 era, the environment is boring, the enemies are annoying, the NPC’s seem like they’re just around to fill gaps in overly large maps, and the game isn’t engaging enough for anyone to keep playing to the conclusion even though it’s very short. I feel like $5 is too much. I played this on Xbox One Series X, but it is also available on Nintendo Switch, PS4/5, and Steam if you’re a glutton for punishment.
